he woke up that night with an unfamiliar fear smothering the air around his stuffy room. it didn't take long for this place to enter his nightmares, the ones he thought he had escaped for good. the ones he thought had disappeared forever as they did as soon as he stepped out of this house so many nights ago.

the dream, he had thought of it as that before they kept recurring again and again, reunited him once again to the man in the mirror. the man that he had modeled himself after when he first embraced the persona of the wanderer.

"what are you running from? is it the pain or the happiness that escaped your grasp?"

"do you really feel nothing? or is it just a facade that keeps you functioning?"

and then he saw her walking into the man's arms. she turned towards him, smiled, revealing the dimples that captured his heart, the two reasons he kept on tirelessly trying to make her smile.

his heart skipped a beat as the familiar feeling of longing stirred up in it.

she opened her mouth and said the most heartbreaking words he would ever hear, "you were just a whisper in my ear darling".

she then embraced the man in the mirror and locked lips with him for what seemed an eternity as he slowly transformed into the faceless man whose name she always mentioned. as his heart broke, he could never ever recall this name no matter how hard he tried..he only remembered the initials M.B.F. those three letters were enough to shatter the whole world around him as he broke down for the most brutal, heart-wrenching low he ever faced, these three letters that the wanderer had etched into the sole of his boots as a pathetic symbol of subjugation that he never did achieve in real life. for he never saw the good in that, not for him anyway. try as he might, he was always in their shadow only lighted up when the man left for brief moments when he would always try to but never totally successfully step in as a worthy replacement.

then he woke, the pillow drenched with his tears and his chest aching as if a massive weight was suddenly thrust onto him. it was the heavy weight of reality that ironically only metastasized from his soul in these dreams.

these dreams pushed him out of his home, out of his life as he knew it...and the wanderer was born.

all that stopped him from collapsing then were the moments he spent with her before. the ones he held on to as he told himself that these were real moments filled with emotion and chemistry that he questioned again and again. alas these moments were fleeting and became mere memories almost instantaneously. he held on to those as he wandered around these all years...but now, back in his home, they came back to mock him as his dreams reminded him of reality.

he was definitely back home. to where it all began. to where his life as a man of love ended. the wanderer was born here many nights ago but today and probably many days to come, he was visited by a reminder of the man he once was.

and it hurt him so.

he recognized many of the things around him but could not remember the significance of most of them.

it was a weird mix of emotions for him. sentiment was something he had long extinguished from his being but being back here reminded him that the embers were not totally dead. on the other scale, he felt strangely liberated from the nostalgia that used to affect his every move back when he was still an inhabitant in this run-down house.

he took a deep breath, coughed a little more violently this time and took in the sights more intensely.

it was time.

he was home.

everytime.

indifference kills me slowly.

I wish I was dead. Dead from all these thoughts and feelings.

At their funeral, I would rejoice and weep for the demise of something so obviously hurtful.

its time to get things back on track. after all that's been said and done (or undone is some cases). its time for me to focus on the things that I've been neglecting.

life happens when you're busy making plans. it also continues when you give in to self-pity or in some cases when you become so self-absorbed in your supposed problems that you don't give a shit about everything else or everyone else that is supposed to matter.

a brief conversation with a friend yesterday made me realize that there are always people who are going through bigger, real-er problems than the ones you feel you are going through. her situation is much more dire than mine would ever come close to and if i was her, i'd be at a loss of the next step to take. while all of us work towards a form of security - financially, emotionally, physically, whatever...to have more than one of these elements taken away so emphatically and suddenly can literally kill the soul.

i've just got to man-up and get on with it. i've done it before..maybe too many times that a part of me thought i was entitled to wallowing in the self-pity that i have so pathetically held on to these past few months.

so let's take things on, one at a time. work, shows, school and then everything else. this journey starts tonight and i'll take it on the way i have before - full-on with as much determination as the hardiness that i so easily let fizzle out recently.

get up, get on and move. don't let the goals you've set become distant dreams. no more playing around adib.

so i'll wake up tmr with this chorus in my head: