these past few weeks however have put paid to those words to a large extent. this can be attributed to the daze that i've been in. my thoughts have been scrambled to include the unnecessarily enchanting while excluding the more mundane yet important details of life. ironically, as much as the pain that i've been escaping from has led me to this state of incognito that my common sense has assumed, the being that enchanted me has turned out to cause me more pain and heartache purely through indifference and nothing else (ok maybe not totally nothing else but i knew what the deal was from the start so i should have known better).

mind you, this is not a post similar to the ones before (at least i intended it not to be). i do not intend to wallow as i have in the self-pity and loathing that has become a familiar companion for the past year or so. i simply wish to put these thoughts down here, as a reference point. i wish to evaluate how ridiculous and/or how realistic these feelings i have swimming around violently inside me are. if anything, this episode of my life has shown that the romantic inside me, the one i genuinely thought had been diluted into cynical oblivion due to the circumstances of the past 5 years through being in an emotionally connected yet physically absent relationship, still exists.

as much as i'm not operating as my optimal self at the moment, a part of me is glad that the cynicism hasn't taken over completely. it serves as a reminder to the past versions of myself that at one point i dismissed as functioning solely on youthful idealistic romantic notions. i realize now that this part of me may actually be essential especially when it comes to inspiring present me to snap out of certain situations that i may resent in the future and execute the things that i've always dreamed of.

to sum it up, the most memorable examples of stupidity of my past are those that involve these romantic notions. ironically, the reason i even got myself into the situation that jaded me (the emotionally connected yet physically absent relationship of 5 years) can be attributed to the romantic gesture of accepting the situation and making it work despite all the pitfalls. last week, i executed yet another stupid romantic gesture which caused me to fall flat on my face. as much as it hurt, i needed that to wake up from the daze and to hopefully get on with my life while embracing that part of me that for so long has been dormant and unrecognized.

this is thus the end of a hopeful post on clarity, which i desperately need to ensure that i don't wake up in a gutter (physically and/or emotionally) when i finally snap out of this daze.

to new beginnings.