Wednesday, July 27, 2011
while i enjoy this brief moment of clarity
As i've been walking around, i tried taking in everything as best i could. being observant was one of my few strengths, indeed it gave me an edge over others who may not have noticed a certain landmark or remembered a passing conversation. it led me to being labelled thoughtful and meticulous.
these past few weeks however have put paid to those words to a large extent. this can be attributed to the daze that i've been in. my thoughts have been scrambled to include the unnecessarily enchanting while excluding the more mundane yet important details of life. ironically, as much as the pain that i've been escaping from has led me to this state of incognito that my common sense has assumed, the being that enchanted me has turned out to cause me more pain and heartache purely through indifference and nothing else (ok maybe not totally nothing else but i knew what the deal was from the start so i should have known better).
mind you, this is not a post similar to the ones before (at least i intended it not to be). i do not intend to wallow as i have in the self-pity and loathing that has become a familiar companion for the past year or so. i simply wish to put these thoughts down here, as a reference point. i wish to evaluate how ridiculous and/or how realistic these feelings i have swimming around violently inside me are. if anything, this episode of my life has shown that the romantic inside me, the one i genuinely thought had been diluted into cynical oblivion due to the circumstances of the past 5 years through being in an emotionally connected yet physically absent relationship, still exists.
as much as i'm not operating as my optimal self at the moment, a part of me is glad that the cynicism hasn't taken over completely. it serves as a reminder to the past versions of myself that at one point i dismissed as functioning solely on youthful idealistic romantic notions. i realize now that this part of me may actually be essential especially when it comes to inspiring present me to snap out of certain situations that i may resent in the future and execute the things that i've always dreamed of.
to sum it up, the most memorable examples of stupidity of my past are those that involve these romantic notions. ironically, the reason i even got myself into the situation that jaded me (the emotionally connected yet physically absent relationship of 5 years) can be attributed to the romantic gesture of accepting the situation and making it work despite all the pitfalls. last week, i executed yet another stupid romantic gesture which caused me to fall flat on my face. as much as it hurt, i needed that to wake up from the daze and to hopefully get on with my life while embracing that part of me that for so long has been dormant and unrecognized.
this is thus the end of a hopeful post on clarity, which i desperately need to ensure that i don't wake up in a gutter (physically and/or emotionally) when i finally snap out of this daze.
to new beginnings.
-dib- at 10:55 PM
Sunday, July 17, 2011
--
when sleep is the only relief left, you haunt my dreams.
all this pain stems from my own desires. a desire for something different from the loneliness that i knew before. alas, while the loneliness stays and a different type of pain engulfs, i realize its something i have to accept for the moment.
and then the fear creeps in, what if the moment lasts a lifetime?
then its a lifetime of regret and hurt, so i've got to get used to it either way.
-dib- at 2:27 PM
Saturday, July 9, 2011
-
what's the breaking point? is this the price you pay for sacrifice? more pain and unbelievable sorrow? the only solace i find nowadays is sleep but even then the nightmares continue.
rationally i'll get through this.
i haven't been rational in a while now. so how?
i think this is the breaking point...and a part of me has to die for good.
-dib- at 12:32 PM
fuck you adib
the fundamental problem with me is, i let myself get involved in situations i have totally no control over. then i get affected and i let it consume my entire being.
all i've ever done is move from one hurtful situation into another with the hope that something would turn out differently. isn't that the definition of insanity? so there's something seriously screwed up with my psyche
i'm supposed to be fairly intelligent, the evidence on paper suggests that at least. so why the fuck do i let myself get so deeply involved in these situations where i know my emotions, which are the hardest thing for me to control, will go into overdrive and dictate my every non-action or stupid gestures of commitment that only serve to come back and hit me hard.
at the end of the day i can't blame anyone else except myself. the idiot with the extreme case of anhedonia. fuck you adib kosnan. wallow in your self-pity and die..that's the only reasonable exposition of your sad sad life.
it doesn't matter who i miss or who i want. i'll choose the path of most resistance and then absorb the depressing emotions that follow like a sad sponge of stupidity.
so in essence, i don't deserve to be anywhere else with anyone else because of the way i'm wired. wandering for eternity seems to be the most pragmatic option...not that i have a choice, cos i'm me.
fuck me then.
-dib- at 12:55 AM
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
the wanderer wonders
looking back was a guilty pleasure that he rarely indulged in. he knew better as nostalgia only ever presented him with a false sense of camaraderie with characters from the past that he had outgrown or worse, had outgrown him. this time however, he couldn't help himself because it was her. the one who had always made him wonder. what was he getting himself into?
-dib- at 12:00 PM