Saturday, April 12, 2008
revelation of sorts.
I've never had friends I'd consider blood brothers or sisters. I find that idea too all-consuming and a little sad because you're supposed to have family. Plus I've been disappointed by stubbornness and a deluded sense of non-gratitude by someone who could have almost been described as said "blood".
That said I've never honestly felt like part of my own family. I've always been the odd one out who did things first and was left to grow up very fast because I supposedly didn't need as much attention as my younger brothers. That's why I can't understand why I'm getting flack for not being as connected with my family as I should be. I'll still fulfill my duties as a son because their duties and I owe my parents a lot. As a brother, I don't know. I don't feel like I am respected as the oldest brother but I probably can't blame them because I've disconnected a long time ago..since I was forced to "grow up" as early as when I was 6. Nobody knows how those things made me feel. Outcast because I spoke better English, because I didn't know basics of our religion because I never understood those religious classes in Malay. When I asked I was met with incredulity and scorn in the form of silent stares of disbelief. Very tough for a 6 year old living away from his immediate family with his grandma and posse of aunties, uncles and more "normal" cousins.
Nobody knows this.
That's how I've felt all my life, the odd-one out.
Until I met her. Then she went away and I tried and I know she did but now its over.
Now I've got to learn how to live without her. She hasn't been physically here for a good part of 2 years but with the finality of my decision, reality is bound to sink in.Sink or swim? I'm too tired to try keep afloat. Let me get lost in whatever ocean that lies in front of me now. Maybe when I dry myself from the salty water and clear the sand from my hair, the tears will dry up too..and I'll be ok. I hope she will be because she is who she is or was, my salvation.
-dib- at 12:37 AM