it has been a satisfying few days. if not for the pain in my back that came suddenly and won't go away, i would say i've been pretty happy with the way things panned out despite the fatigue of early morning openings.
i'm bothered by the things that are going on at my old place. its a difficult time for them and it pains me a little that i'm not there anymore to help out but this whole week i've been chilling there almost everyday so that makes up for that i guess.
this friday is the first cast meeting for r&j. i wonder how different this production will be because i know how different i see things now. oh well, let's just wait and see.
and finally, this was how i spent my last weekend - being part of the team that made this:
-dib- at 10:09 PM
Saturday, April 26, 2008
kantakaca
2 to 3 hours of discussion and idea-throwing at most but good enough to inject some life into me.
now i'm excited again about this weekend. 48 hours and counting.
cool shit.
-dib- at 1:32 AM
Thursday, April 24, 2008
I'm just being honest
*the earlier got removed so here's another version. a song from the past done in a way i appreciate a wee bit better, bringing back memories of a more carefree time. ironic too.
-dib- at 2:28 AM
Monday, April 21, 2008
this seems to be my only escape nowadays. writing here i mean. funny how i'm only inspired to write when i'm in my more depressing phases of life. that's been a recurrent theme with my old blog and my multiply site. depression is powerful inspiration.
anyway, today marked the first time i worked at thomson plaza since my transfer. i felt at ease, again, for awhile, seeing the familiar faces in the morning, settling into the routine that defined my many many opening shifts there.
i am still surprised at how that place affects me. its a combination of many small pleasant things that actually fuels my enjoyment in my second stint working with this company.
i once asked ari why he joined again and he simply said that he felt his story here hasn't ended. i relate to that but i feel like mine has just begun and its begun with renewed enthusiasm, all because of thomson plaza.
this actually scares a part of me because there were so many things i wanted to do, some of those dreams seem to have shattered right in front of me, but for the professional side of things they're still in reach. i just don't know if i really want them anymore or how much i'm willing to do for them.
my life has been on pause for too long and that's why i've decided to make certain decisions recently. people around me understand and question them but they do so with purely superficial evidence of the whole situation. a situation i got myself into. a situation i honestly feel i can only blame myself for, believe it or not.
that's the reality of the turmoil that has plagued me for the past few months.
at this point in time i think i'm the only one who understands me. sad but comforting in a twisted way. i doubt anyone even understands the meaning of that last sentence but that just serves to cement my point.
smoke it all away, one stick at a time. i'll deal with this, its just a matter of time.
-dib- at 10:47 PM
Sunday, April 20, 2008
false dusk of desperation
he pushed the boulder to the side and tried to get up, unaware of the gaping wound below his chest. the pain that stung each time he moved was not unlike the pain he always felt before his long, self-induced coma.
the first thing he thought of was the last thing he needed. the thirst for it was what got him into this awful predicament. he ventured on, leaving a trail of blood and sweat that would only be worsened with the ingestion of the same supposed elixir that had time and time again seduced his naive soul.
and then he saw it. the oasis that smelled so familiar. if only he realised that it was the scent of pain, the same pain he was feeling now, the poison that stopped the wound from ever healing.
he knelt down beside the deceitful well of love and took a sip.
alas, the last sip of worldly pleasure he would ever taste. as the life finally rolled out of his eyes, the shattering, terrifying truth of the afterlife cynically beckons him to the promised land.
the journey finally ends for him, almost merciful in its poetic tragedy only to turn him into another victim of god's greatest gift.
-dib- at 11:25 PM
Saturday, April 19, 2008
and again.
waiting has become part and parcel of my life thus far.
and so i wait again.
what am i waiting for?
divine intervention or a reality bite.
then again, i'm still smarting from the last one. sayang-sayang
-dib- at 3:49 AM
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
5 lbs
heavy is the heart and the mind; the expectation that was, weighed me down again and again.
dreams and aspirations leave through the back door, leaving regret and bitterness. leaving you forever wanting more.
blinded by this sense of loss,you ignore the knocking at the front. locking yourself up, in the cloud of desperation you left a long time ago.
the lightness of being was something i thought i found. it was so light in the end that it flew away bringing with it the end of my belief in things that used to be.
cynics. should have believed in them a long time ago.
focusing on the wrong thing, that's my weakness. "focus on the task at hand, whatever that may be." the little voice that's kept me company all these nights been pretty tired but he's got to learn to remind me this constantly. no matter how deep the shit you're in, you've got to get the job done. and get it done i will.
crossroads of my life, there have been many but this is the most crucial.
-dib- at 10:41 PM
Saturday, April 12, 2008
retarded
reflection is a daily part of my life, that and observation.
and today i reflected on how tiring this week has been and how i've felt through the stages. i've observed some marked and some subtle differences in how i do things now, compared to when i was in a similar situation a long time ago.
so boys and girls, conclusion time = everyone will grow up someday. it's just a matter of time. not everyone acts like they have though, that explains why we can't stand certain people.
an acquaintance from work commented that i sound like an old soul, that i'd make good husband material. haha
funny cos that's what i've always thought and that's partly why i'm in this situation right now.
i just think i'm jaded and pragmatic. it's not fun cos doing stupid things makes you understand exactly why you shouldn't be doing said stupid things.
let's get stupid then.
-dib- at 9:43 PM
revelation of sorts.
I've never had friends I'd consider blood brothers or sisters. I find that idea too all-consuming and a little sad because you're supposed to have family. Plus I've been disappointed by stubbornness and a deluded sense of non-gratitude by someone who could have almost been described as said "blood".
That said I've never honestly felt like part of my own family. I've always been the odd one out who did things first and was left to grow up very fast because I supposedly didn't need as much attention as my younger brothers. That's why I can't understand why I'm getting flack for not being as connected with my family as I should be. I'll still fulfill my duties as a son because their duties and I owe my parents a lot. As a brother, I don't know. I don't feel like I am respected as the oldest brother but I probably can't blame them because I've disconnected a long time ago..since I was forced to "grow up" as early as when I was 6. Nobody knows how those things made me feel. Outcast because I spoke better English, because I didn't know basics of our religion because I never understood those religious classes in Malay. When I asked I was met with incredulity and scorn in the form of silent stares of disbelief. Very tough for a 6 year old living away from his immediate family with his grandma and posse of aunties, uncles and more "normal" cousins.
Nobody knows this.
That's how I've felt all my life, the odd-one out.
Until I met her. Then she went away and I tried and I know she did but now its over.
Now I've got to learn how to live without her. She hasn't been physically here for a good part of 2 years but with the finality of my decision, reality is bound to sink in.
Sink or swim? I'm too tired to try keep afloat. Let me get lost in whatever ocean that lies in front of me now. Maybe when I dry myself from the salty water and clear the sand from my hair, the tears will dry up too..and I'll be ok. I hope she will be because she is who she is or was, my salvation.
-dib- at 12:37 AM
Sunday, April 6, 2008
you're just not here
and so i did it.
either the most stupid decision i've ever made in my life or the most neccessary one at this moment in time. no amount of reflection can make me feel better about this right now. it just makes me bawl my eyes out at the thought of hurting her and letting it go.
i blame myself. the need to be heroic especially during those early days when she got the job. my bravado was submerged by my own naive arrogance of the ability to live without the one i found again. the one who made me feel needed. the one i shared truly the happiest moments of my life til now.
as the bitterness accumulated i could never be the same one she left behind. though i yearn for her to return to the what i think is her rightful place, right here physically beside me, i know it's not gonna happen til its too late. 4 years is too too late.
yes i've waited this long. the painfully simple fact is its just too long.
i'm sorry but i have to do this for myself even if it means knowing you're hurting.
it hurts but it may be the only way.
-dib- at 10:50 PM
Thursday, April 3, 2008
nothing lasts forever
reality in a pop song.
Everyday With every worthless word we get more far away The distance between us makes it so hard to stay But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe It hurts but it may be the only way