not "ready-made"

twin flame

2011-11-25T00:58:00.003+08:00

you can't always get what you want right hank moody?

funny how i define and relate a lot of my life to tv series'. on a certain level, i'm sure it can be viewed as pretty pathetic. tv shows end though or worse, get cancelled mid-season. life goes on.

i've been pretty good at moving on recently so this latest setback may just be a distant memory in the near future. i'm kidding myself here of course but that's the only way i can deal with it.

its no use whining and hoping against odds because ultimately life is not a fairy tale. despite what i've always told myself, there has always been that little flicker of hope when it comes to situations like this one, that refuses to go away because i don't allow it to. this time round, i can't do the same thing because you can't always get what you want or even what you need. why does god show you things or make you aware of people you can't be with? well, ultimately it will all make sense. i'll just have to wait for that.

goodbye sm.

definitions.

2011-11-01T02:23:00.003+08:00

'Personal boundaries define you as an individual. They are statements of what you will or won't do, what you like and don't like...how close someone can get to you'.

boundaries, guidelines, rules, limits.

sometimes life thrusts you into certain situations that test your boundaries. how you react define who you are known as tomorrow.

sometimes life gives you boundaries that you are not allowed to cross.

it may seem cruel, especially when happiness appears just across these limits. do you wither and suffer endlessly? or do you move on?

the irony of life - just as my boundaries are tested, something stirs in me that makes me want to test other boundaries that lurk just beyond. alas, too many variables means that i just have to forget about it.

i've had to forget about a lot of things this year.

can i just erase 2011?

walking after you

2011-08-24T23:49:00.002+08:00

tonight I'm tangled in my blanket of clouds

dreaming aloud

things just won't do without you

matter of fact

i cannot be without you, matter of fact.

- foo fighters

the wanderer's abrupt awakening.

2011-08-22T01:50:00.001+08:00

he woke up that night with an unfamiliar fear smothering the air around his stuffy room. it didn't take long for this place to enter his nightmares, the ones he thought he had escaped for good. the ones he thought had disappeared forever as they did as soon as he stepped out of this house so many nights ago.

the dream, he had thought of it as that before they kept recurring again and again, reunited him once again to the man in the mirror. the man that he had modeled himself after when he first embraced the persona of the wanderer.

"what are you running from? is it the pain or the happiness that escaped your grasp?"

"do you really feel nothing? or is it just a facade that keeps you functioning?"

and then he saw her walking into the man's arms. she turned towards him, smiled, revealing the dimples that captured his heart, the two reasons he kept on tirelessly trying to make her smile.

his heart skipped a beat as the familiar feeling of longing stirred up in it.

she opened her mouth and said the most heartbreaking words he would ever hear, "you were just a whisper in my ear darling".

she then embraced the man in the mirror and locked lips with him for what seemed an eternity as he slowly transformed into the faceless man whose name she always mentioned. as his heart broke, he could never ever recall this name no matter how hard he tried..he only remembered the initials M.B.F. those three letters were enough to shatter the whole world around him as he broke down for the most brutal, heart-wrenching low he ever faced, these three letters that the wanderer had etched into the sole of his boots as a pathetic symbol of subjugation that he never did achieve in real life. for he never saw the good in that, not for him anyway. try as he might, he was always in their shadow only lighted up when the man left for brief moments when he would always try to but never totally successfully step in as a worthy replacement.

then he woke, the pillow drenched with his tears and his chest aching as if a massive weight was suddenly thrust onto him. it was the heavy weight of reality that ironically only metastasized from his soul in these dreams.

these dreams pushed him out of his home, out of his life as he knew it...and the wanderer was born.

all that stopped him from collapsing then were the moments he spent with her before. the ones he held on to as he told himself that these were real moments filled with emotion and chemistry that he questioned again and again. alas these moments were fleeting and became mere memories almost instantaneously. he held on to those as he wandered around these all years...but now, back in his home, they came back to mock him as his dreams reminded him of reality.

he was definitely back home. to where it all began. to where his life as a man of love ended. the wanderer was born here many nights ago but today and probably many days to come, he was visited by a reminder of the man he once was.

and it hurt him so.

the wanderer returns

2011-08-20T00:55:00.004+08:00

he coughed as his last few steps kicked up the dust that only served as a reminder to the last time he was here.

he recognized many of the things around him but could not remember the significance of most of them.

it was a weird mix of emotions for him. sentiment was something he had long extinguished from his being but being back here reminded him that the embers were not totally dead. on the other scale, he felt strangely liberated from the nostalgia that used to affect his every move back when he was still an inhabitant in this run-down house.

he took a deep breath, coughed a little more violently this time and took in the sights more intensely.

it was time.

he was home.

2011-08-17T13:52:00.003+08:00

The tiniest flicker of hope always blown away by the winds of the past complicating and twisting the thoughts in your head. Perception and reality playing off each other creating a perfect picture of delusional aspirations?

maybe but if there's anything to take away from the numerous episodes is life is that without aspirations we are nothing. and who are we to deem them delusional? its just our defense mechanism for our inability to deal with disappointment.

so bottom line, deal with it

2011-08-09T23:29:00.002+08:00

everytime, i die a little more inside.

everytime.

indifference kills me slowly.

I wish I was dead. Dead from all these thoughts and feelings.

At their funeral, I would rejoice and weep for the demise of something so obviously hurtful.

i'm a cowboy kid

2011-08-07T02:15:00.005+08:00

the daze is officially over.

its time to get things back on track. after all that's been said and done (or undone is some cases). its time for me to focus on the things that I've been neglecting.

life happens when you're busy making plans. it also continues when you give in to self-pity or in some cases when you become so self-absorbed in your supposed problems that you don't give a shit about everything else or everyone else that is supposed to matter.

a brief conversation with a friend yesterday made me realize that there are always people who are going through bigger, real-er problems than the ones you feel you are going through. her situation is much more dire than mine would ever come close to and if i was her, i'd be at a loss of the next step to take. while all of us work towards a form of security - financially, emotionally, physically, whatever...to have more than one of these elements taken away so emphatically and suddenly can literally kill the soul.

i've just got to man-up and get on with it. i've done it before..maybe too many times that a part of me thought i was entitled to wallowing in the self-pity that i have so pathetically held on to these past few months.

so let's take things on, one at a time. work, shows, school and then everything else. this journey starts tonight and i'll take it on the way i have before - full-on with as much determination as the hardiness that i so easily let fizzle out recently.

get up, get on and move. don't let the goals you've set become distant dreams. no more playing around adib.

so i'll wake up tmr with this chorus in my head:

All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, outrun my gun
All the other kids with the pumped up kicks
You'd better run, better run, faster than my bullet

FOSTER THE PEOPLE - PUMPED UP KICKS (official theme song of the adib project - Aug 2011)

while i enjoy this brief moment of clarity

2011-07-27T22:55:00.004+08:00

As i've been walking around, i tried taking in everything as best i could. being observant was one of my few strengths, indeed it gave me an edge over others who may not have noticed a certain landmark or remembered a passing conversation. it led me to being labelled thoughtful and meticulous.

these past few weeks however have put paid to those words to a large extent. this can be attributed to the daze that i've been in. my thoughts have been scrambled to include the unnecessarily enchanting while excluding the more mundane yet important details of life. ironically, as much as the pain that i've been escaping from has led me to this state of incognito that my common sense has assumed, the being that enchanted me has turned out to cause me more pain and heartache purely through indifference and nothing else (ok maybe not totally nothing else but i knew what the deal was from the start so i should have known better).

mind you, this is not a post similar to the ones before (at least i intended it not to be). i do not intend to wallow as i have in the self-pity and loathing that has become a familiar companion for the past year or so. i simply wish to put these thoughts down here, as a reference point. i wish to evaluate how ridiculous and/or how realistic these feelings i have swimming around violently inside me are. if anything, this episode of my life has shown that the romantic inside me, the one i genuinely thought had been diluted into cynical oblivion due to the circumstances of the past 5 years through being in an emotionally connected yet physically absent relationship, still exists.

as much as i'm not operating as my optimal self at the moment, a part of me is glad that the cynicism hasn't taken over completely. it serves as a reminder to the past versions of myself that at one point i dismissed as functioning solely on youthful idealistic romantic notions. i realize now that this part of me may actually be essential especially when it comes to inspiring present me to snap out of certain situations that i may resent in the future and execute the things that i've always dreamed of.

to sum it up, the most memorable examples of stupidity of my past are those that involve these romantic notions. ironically, the reason i even got myself into the situation that jaded me (the emotionally connected yet physically absent relationship of 5 years) can be attributed to the romantic gesture of accepting the situation and making it work despite all the pitfalls. last week, i executed yet another stupid romantic gesture which caused me to fall flat on my face. as much as it hurt, i needed that to wake up from the daze and to hopefully get on with my life while embracing that part of me that for so long has been dormant and unrecognized.

this is thus the end of a hopeful post on clarity, which i desperately need to ensure that i don't wake up in a gutter (physically and/or emotionally) when i finally snap out of this daze.

to new beginnings.

--

2011-07-17T14:27:00.002+08:00

when sleep is the only relief left, you haunt my dreams.

all this pain stems from my own desires. a desire for something different from the loneliness that i knew before. alas, while the loneliness stays and a different type of pain engulfs, i realize its something i have to accept for the moment.

and then the fear creeps in, what if the moment lasts a lifetime?

then its a lifetime of regret and hurt, so i've got to get used to it either way.

-

2011-07-09T12:32:00.003+08:00

what's the breaking point? is this the price you pay for sacrifice? more pain and unbelievable sorrow? the only solace i find nowadays is sleep but even then the nightmares continue.

rationally i'll get through this.

i haven't been rational in a while now. so how?

i think this is the breaking point...and a part of me has to die for good.

fuck you adib

2011-07-09T00:55:00.003+08:00

the fundamental problem with me is, i let myself get involved in situations i have totally no control over. then i get affected and i let it consume my entire being.

all i've ever done is move from one hurtful situation into another with the hope that something would turn out differently. isn't that the definition of insanity? so there's something seriously screwed up with my psyche

i'm supposed to be fairly intelligent, the evidence on paper suggests that at least. so why the fuck do i let myself get so deeply involved in these situations where i know my emotions, which are the hardest thing for me to control, will go into overdrive and dictate my every non-action or stupid gestures of commitment that only serve to come back and hit me hard.

at the end of the day i can't blame anyone else except myself. the idiot with the extreme case of anhedonia. fuck you adib kosnan. wallow in your self-pity and die..that's the only reasonable exposition of your sad sad life.

it doesn't matter who i miss or who i want. i'll choose the path of most resistance and then absorb the depressing emotions that follow like a sad sponge of stupidity.

so in essence, i don't deserve to be anywhere else with anyone else because of the way i'm wired. wandering for eternity seems to be the most pragmatic option...not that i have a choice, cos i'm me.

fuck me then.

the wanderer wonders

2011-07-06T12:00:00.004+08:00

looking back was a guilty pleasure that he rarely indulged in. he knew better as nostalgia only ever presented him with a false sense of camaraderie with characters from the past that he had outgrown or worse, had outgrown him. this time however, he couldn't help himself because it was her. the one who had always made him wonder. what was he getting himself into?

the lone wanderer's epilogue

2011-06-28T21:33:00.006+08:00

he looked around the unfamiliar rows of houses in front of him. the humidity took his breath away as soon as he stepped out of the car. "where the hell am I?", he thought to himself as he took the next few steps onto the pot-holed tarmac beside his lot. the heat quickly took over from humidity as the starring element in nature's pantomime.

despite he heat, the emptiness stood out as it was like nothing he had ever witnessed before. the houses looked like they had been abandoned recently, there were no other buildings for miles and miles and more significantly, she was not there. "this is salvation?" he thought out loud, the bemusement apparent for no one to hear, the bravado in his voice was just a trembling lip away from disappearing.

he had been driving for years and years to get to this point. the only thing that kept him going was the promise of paradise that would greet him. paradise in the form of a beautiful smile from the only woman he ever felt love for. the woman who made him believe that hope existed. the woman who made him give up everything and embark on this quest to see her again.

now here he was...surrounded by nothing. the emptiness that was obvious was now slowly engulfing his being, breaking the once solid machine that used to be his heart. a solitary teardrop streamed down his face as he recalled the few moments he shared with her. fleeting memories that he could never grasp, the thoughts that made him smile momentarily before the realization that they were gone forever only served to break his heart even more. he fell to his knees, buried his head in the scorching tarmac and all he could think about was falling back into her arms as he stayed there slowly dying from the heat. there was no reason to go on anymore. no reason at all.

the loneliness

2011-05-16T00:57:00.002+08:00

"i'm alright" - it rings hollow on nights like this.

its a helplessness that engulfs you when you don't see anyone else beside you, behind you. the things i do to alleviate this feeling sometimes surprises me. i reach out to people i never thought i would ever reach out to, cling on to symbols that remind me of a better past or a hopeful future.

i wish that i could throw everything away and catch that bus and meet you there. if there was any one single defining moment that i miss, it was that night of youthful exuberance, of throwing caution to the wind and escaping to the magical place of me and you.

as much as i know what we're inching towards and even as the optimist in me is coiled up with excitement, the cynical being that has come to define my youth keeps telling me that it may all be for naught. self-fulfilling prophecies of despair i wish you gone but i keep you close as the sorrow i derive from your potential unraveling fuels the determination to prove you wrong.

tonight and nights past, i miss you so. alas these nights are my dearest and most loyal companions.

unnecessary

2009-11-03T00:42:00.002+08:00

she who made me wonder after the one who made me wonder about it all,
does she ever wonder about me at all?

and if she ever did, what good is it for me to wonder?

even if wondering and living are two separate entities,
i can't live without wondering

why?

2009-10-23T01:23:00.002+08:00

looking out for somebody may not be the best thing despite the good intentions. getting angry at that somebody you were looking out for, about said "looking out" is pretty pointless. hindsight and an astute friend pointed that out to me today.

saying what you think without filtering it can either be called direct or tactless. i choose to be direct and try to never be tactless but being direct in certain situations can be construed as being tactless. so you can't really run away from saying things you don't necessarily feel.

growing up is really hard but nobody going to get any younger so we've got to deal with it. that's why.

just another day.

2009-04-21T20:25:00.002+08:00

As he entered the cafe, his eyes ignored the smile of the anonymous face in front of him. Greetings and pleasantries dutifully ignored, he gruffly announces, " I want a strong cup of coffee." As the little lady, barely out of her teens, asked with a nervous smile if he wanted any milk in his coffee, he stares at her noticing her for the first time and with a look of incredulity answers,"I said I want a strong cup of coffee. Why would I want milk if i wanted a strong cup of coffee? IS THAT SO DIFFICULT?!?" The nervous smile turns into a look of fear with the slightest hint of disgust glassed over by her ever-ready smile and the little lady passes him his cup of coffee, black, wishing she could have added an extra ounce or two of spit. "Thank you sir,"she says collecting his exact payment and turning her view away from her aggressor to her regular customer behind him.

He looks up and starts walking hurriedly out of the cafe. He sits down at the solitary space available at the small seated smoking area outside, happy that he beat no one in particular to the empty seat and wastes no time in lighting up a cigarette. Mild 7, what's the point of smoking something so light you could barely taste it, he thought. Well, the point was staying alive. His 3-prong plan of battling his doctor's diagnosis of high blood pressure was - 1) Start smoking a pack of lights a day instead of his 2 pack-a-day Marlboro Reds. 2) Spend as much time away from home and his wife as he can. 3) Eat less.

For a principal of a primary school, he didn't exactly embody the adage of life-long learning. The knowledge that he has a medical condition has put fear in him but not enough to find out more about it. In fact, he is the definition of the stubborn, old-school ignoramus, who wills his problems to go away instead of doing anything about it. The 1,200 odd students under his care would either become him eventually or learn to despise people like him with a passion.

Looking from inside the cafe, the little lady had no way of knowing all this as thoughts of the extreme lack of graciousness she just encountered threatened to spoil her day. "Why do I do this?" she wonders, not for the first time. She knew the answer to that, it paid the bills as she continued her weekly classes at night to become what she had always dreamed of becoming, a pre-school teacher. Alas, this was one of the occupational hazards she had to learn to accept with her part-time job - the customer. For every asshole there's an angel who will light up your day. For every idiot who throws their money on the counter, there's one who will actually ask you instead how you have been. Just another day in the life of a service provider in Singapore.

Singaporeans not satisfied with service? There's more than a few who probably don't deserve it.

winehouse

2009-03-04T00:19:00.003+08:00

talent. pure unadulterated and hopefully not forever wasted.

i think love this girl.

kafka on the shore.

2009-03-01T02:45:00.002+08:00

power and money. 2 things that make the world go round.
when you have power and a general lack of money, you go and use said power to change the landscape of your existence to generate the money that is sorely needed.

at the expense, i should add, of a core set of beliefs that has ruled the hearts and lives of the people below and around you.

then again, when you have not progressed through a culture that encourages human connections you probably don't see what the fuss is about.

i'm seriously thinking of walking away. then again i'll probably think of how that affects everyone around me first. that fact itself heartens me a little cos i care.

on a different note altogether,
the first ICT of my post-ORD life starts in 27 hours.

and i hope she feels the very same

2009-02-20T20:53:00.002+08:00

a feeling of sadness comes over me every once in awhile. the degree of this feeling varies but exists nevertheless, coming and going as sure as the tides. sometimes i indulge and ironically or maybe very obviously this state of being brings me to places and thoughts i'd never be capable of comprehending otherwise.

i caught myself taking moments like these for granted a few times recently and i've been pretty angry with myself as i lose the essence of such sadness by turning it into bitterness or cynicism and i realize that i lose inspiration by bringing myself back to reality for things as mundane as waking up on time for work or rather wanting to sleep early to wake up on time for work.

the crossroad came and gone. i just want to shine, inspite of myself.

from my heart

2009-01-04T01:47:00.003+08:00

As we usher in the new year, I can't help but feel for those who've lost loved ones in the past couple of weeks. December has always been a month of merriment for me. The school holidays, the start of a new year where everything begins on a new slate and just an overall festive feeling despite personally not celebrating Christmas, the month just seems to fly by pleasantly.

To hear of anyone losing people that matter to them, especially during this month just sobers me up that little bit. For all of the cynicism that comes with who I am, I can never look at a loss life as just another person who's time on earth is up. I always think of the people who have to cope with not having that person in their lives for as long as they live. A mother without a son to grow up, a daughter without a father to see her child born, a brother who can never again call up his older bro out for a coffee. That's the real sad thing about death, the people it leaves behind living.

This is a pretty obvious post but I just felt the need to write about it. Here's to 2009. To all who've left us, my first thoughts of the year go out to you. May all of you rest in peace and to those left behind, time will eventually warm your grief into memories but tonight i grieve with you.

leaving on a jet plane?

2008-12-21T01:50:00.005+08:00

a lot has been made recently about the lack of graciousness among the older generation of our population.

a significantly lower level of poverty that our people have enjoyed over the recent few decades have made this more obvious i think. we no longer have to fight for our lives to continue living so we fight for seats on the train and for the right to be as disgusting as we can in public. i'm not saying its all been easy peasy, we've all had our own battles to overcome but this comfort zone has bred a familiar pattern that you can use to define the different layers of our historically young society. its an everybody for himself mentality out there which is perplexing given the relative prosperity we've enjoyed. people don't seem to care what other people are thinking about them except when they know these people personally. of course i generalise but i find it sad and so freaking irritating at the same time. chasing the paper has made us somewhat piss poor morally (from T.I).

i have my own pet peeves and a younger me might have ranted endlessly about them right here but i'm not that young anymore and i'd like to think i've learned a bit so i won't. i just think that our generation needs something to happen to really build a Singaporean identity that isn't mired in all this negativity. i don't feel "uniquely" Singaporean personally and i could spend hours telling you what is wrong with our society, our soulless national identity or people who listen to music on their handphone on the bus without a earpiece but i could never imagine leaving this island for any other place to live.

this is where i grew up and to leave feels like i'm not playing by the rules however flawed they may be. a goal is only a wish without a plan right? well i've always had a plan, i just don't feel like sharing it with everyone all of the time. i've always felt bad to use loopholes or flaws in the system to my advantage except sometimes during NS and to let go of life here feels like giving up which is worse. maybe when i have a family and the direct responsibility over a new life then this idealistic thoughts would give way to something else. you make your own opportunities and if you fail or fall you just try again and unless you try it the exact same way, which is stupid, you're gonna take something different away from it. so until that day comes when i might change my tune i'm just gonna keep trying.

so here's to trying again in 2009. the end of 2008 has justified my choices a little bit. then again i've learnt now that its not about justification, its how you adapt without going against your priciples. thank you for reading my thoughts from this year. =)

a year on..

2008-11-27T03:09:00.002+08:00

today officially marks my 1st year back at starbucks.
3 more days from my 1st year out of the army.

hindsight makes you incapable sometimes of realising the beauty of a lot of apparently bad decisions or incidents. i am determined to not make that mistake.

you learn from everything - good, bad, happy or plain ridiculous circumstances can always yield some sort of lessons. what i've learnt from this year was :

1. to appreciate love. be it family, your significant other or close friends. their company or thoughts makes things bearable in an otherwise single-minded society.

2. i need to do more theatre. i've let myself be sidetracked by too many things and too many fears. should have just done it.

3. i don't miss the army at all. maybe those free days i had when i was on mc. quite a few of those....yeah, you could say i missed times when i was missing from the army.

its been quite a year. i've felt like i've been stuck in a jam to an unknown destination and when i realised where it led to, i couldn't decide to go straight, turn left or right or turn back. yes yes...this was a year of the cliched crossroad/s.

so as we slowly creep into the end of 2008, i'm gonna spend the last month building up to the new year. savour the last few days of 2008 before the years become a blur of insignificance.

2008-11-07T04:40:00.003+08:00

don't you worry
sometimes you've just got let it ride
the world is changing
right before your eyes

now i've found you
there's no more emptiness inside

when we're hungry
love will keep us alive

the eagles aka the devil's messengers

the mystery of the golden man.

2008-11-04T03:42:00.007+08:00

As he took another drag of his unfiltered cigarette, his mind wandered back to the past. He always knew where he wanted to go even back then. Where he ended up surprised him. Nobody would ever describe his disposition of ever being impulsive except maybe the one or two who were closest to him. Impulse was exactly what brought him to where he stood right now, left foot leaning on the wall, right foot firmly planted on the ground as he took another long, rough drag on his cigarette all the while staring fiercely at nothing in particular.

"If only..." that voice echoed time and time again. He had stopped dismissing it altogether. At least now he only ever indulges it during these times. He actually enjoyed the self-pity that he felt. It was a change from the ruthlessness he had to adopt at work. In a way it reminded him of how naive and full of hope he used to be.

The optimist, that small part of him that refused to grow up, occasionally took over his being. It told him that the ride's not over yet. This wasn't his stop. "Take in the sights and relax a little before you get there," it kept saying again and again seeming a little too eager, almost desperate for him to believe it.

He chuckled. "Are we there yet? Are we ever getting there?" he wanted to ask. It was a hopeless query to an inevitable answer.

He flicked his cigarette on the floor. He sighed and lowered his head, a routine that came to signal the end of his moment of reflection. It was time to get back to work. He put on his coat and straightened his Raffaello tie, took a last longing look at nothing in particular and headed back towards his office. The brief respite from the world of mergers and acquisitions now officially over.

The journey to his el dorado continues, one smoke break at a time.

2008-11-02T16:06:00.001+08:00

yesterday i imagined ironicity to be a word. very ironic given my penchant for correction.

3:28 am

2008-10-27T03:28:00.003+08:00

before you get angry and start cursing,
before you lament of your missed opportunities,
before you cry out at the injustices in your life;

look at what you are leaving behind if today was the last day of your life.

is that your legacy? the constant ranting and feelings of frustration. the bitching and scowling and hoping that "they" fail. is that my legacy?

how much of this life is actually "ours"?

i've come to this conclusion - savour every experience and devote yourself to the love of your lives, whatever or whoever it may be.

we've been brought up in a community of negativity and cynicism. i'm full of that myself. even as i'm writing this i wonder who would snicker and make a pun out of that last sentence. this "hatred" of sorts tires me.

at the end of the day when you take your last breath, what do you want to be remembered for?

for now i just want to fulfill my responsibilities as the son my parents hoped so much for, i owe them that and much more. if that's all i'm remembered for i think i'll take it.

this is a very fragmented and possibly incoherent entry. can't be helped because that's the state of my mind right now - more to do with the time than anything else. i just felt a need to write.

i need to do something inspiring.

tanjong gemok

2008-10-08T03:45:00.002+08:00

a dream

that's what i had.
the one that justifies the endless waiting.

come end october i'll wake up. the next step is to wait a little more as you yearn for something even harder to grasp.

the funny thing is, i do enjoy the solitude. only when i let other factors influence my pretty solid pragmatism do i falter. since the second-coming though i've stood pseudo-tall against all that.

belief.

there are few things i believe in. my faith in my fellow man though has taken a beating. every man for himself. that's a sad way to live. despite the cut-throat nature of things everywhere, i still feel a certain sense of... pity? i don't know what to call it but i just can't comprehend how selfish people can be in general. i won't delve into any details though lest i be judged, because despite of my declarations otherwise, i will be affected by what people think or say.
anybody would.

that's why we breathe and eat and sleep and ultimately die. humans.

random entry cos i can't sleep. tioman in 2 hours!

selamat hari raya semua.

bye bye love.

2008-09-17T14:40:00.004+08:00

After constant wrestling with thoughts of my own ability, the time has come for me to put every one of those insecurities aside.

This month has been significant in its own ways. Time has allowed me to reflect upon the past and plot the planned future and so I've come to certain conclusions. I think those who know me best will be waiting for it all to suddenly change again..I know Sheereen is..heh.

I want to go through with this. Getting the academic part of life over with and maybe having to leave behind a world I love but one I've never really been able to give everything too. Vindication for your work is always welcomed but the way things have panned out for me and the people that I like working with have probably stunted my progress. Its sad and I still love the energy I feel when I step on stage regardless of how the process before went but I don't know when my next production is and that's an empty feeling I have to fill up somehow.

So as this month of patience comes to an end, my life could possibly take a totally different direction from what I set out to achieve this time last year. I wonder who would smirk at the inadvertence of it all, I know many would not even notice my absence because of my minimal presence to begin with. I wonder how I'm going to cope.

august

2008-08-17T18:02:00.007+08:00

it's time. to get off my ass and start every ball rolling again. hahahaha.

things have been pretty mundane lately but i enjoy the lack of drama. no ego's to contend with, no scandalous stories to witness first-hand, no problems =). August would have been an excellent month if Sheereen got a flight back but alas its a pleasant month nevertheless.

I hope I haven't spoken too soon.

anyway, this is what i've been up to the past couple of weeks or so. (yes, i've been hanging out a lot with akmar and helzie aka mop and stick)

*all photos have been shamelessly taken from other people's albums in facebook namely shasha and akmar =)

- r&j gathering

- chill-out with helzie and akmar

- just me and the mop

- finally caught book of revelation

i've got a crush on you...

2008-07-28T02:38:00.002+08:00

finally watched definitely, maybe yesterday and i really enjoyed the movie. despite its convenient ending, i related a lot to ryan reynolds character, william hayes. he reminded me of a much much leaner and taller me..hahaha. if i had ever had a daughter i would want to have that kinda relationship with her.

i'm enjoying my new-found freedom after r&j, a freedom which is kinda limited with my work at starbucks but a little more free time has allowed me to catch up on things i used to enjoy, like watching movies on my laptop and chilling out with friends. i guess i'm just afraid of not getting anything productive done in the mean time.

things are changing at UE, its sad to see bryan go but i'm looking forward to see how things progress. there's potential for a lot of good things there. i'm contented as things are but you can never predict how things turn out exactly.

the holiday with sheereen looks to be off for now but i hope i still get to go somewhere to unwind. then again unwinding here isn't too bad. let's just see how is goes.

oh well, think that's it for today..up tmr - school show, audition at dvstudio and maybe more chilling out. sheereen's back tmr nite too! yippeeeee!!!!!!!

gd nite/morning.

entryless....

2008-07-10T23:30:00.004+08:00

i'm always more inspired to write when i feel a lil or a lot down. i've mentioned it again and again, i know, so what's the harm in mentioning it one more time.

the whole month of june was a tiring but pleasant month. hence the total number of entries here added up to - zero.

i'm thankful for everything i have right now and i'm happy with the way things are. just got to keep moving because nobody's getting any younger. intentions - as long as my intentions are good insyallah things will unravel by themselves the way they should.

first off though - romzi and juleha on sat! my birthday next next tues... then bangkok in august! woo hoo!!

i miss a lot of ppl though - johnny, the sbtp peeps, aman, big. just wanted to let you guys know, you're thought of.

stay cool and funky always. hahahahahaha.

glance back.

2008-05-31T21:35:00.003+08:00

i miss my grandfather. baboo s/o botha. i now sleep in the room that used to be his and before today i hadn't thought of him for at least a couple of years.

memories. funny how they come and go and evolve from one perspective to another. putting all those aside, i miss him right now. i fear this may just become another one of said insignificant thoughts and that is why i am writing this.

maybe when i'm a little less tired out i'll write more about him, it wouldn't do him justice to do so in this spaced out state.

he taught me the meaning of family

and i miss him.

heartbreaker

2008-05-24T01:34:00.001+08:00

you probably thinkin i'ma fuckin jerk

YEAAAAAAH!!!!!

2008-05-22T06:05:00.002+08:00

when i said you broke my heart, i meant it. after last year in milan, i wondered if it would ever happen again.

this is my unashamed apology to the entity that has seen me through these years. from the arrogance of cantona to the earnest and lethal solskjaer who will forever be my united hero, to the doldrums of the djemba-djemba era and finally here with pretty-boy ronaldo. the tears you brought to my eyes tonight varied. from tears of elation to fear. from anger to high-strung anxiousness. from tears of pure heartbreak to those of relief.

thank you. for everything that was hyped up, for all the significance of the 50 years. this win has been one of the few highlights, the ultimate one i should say, for what has been a pretty shitty and confusing time for me. i know it may seem ridiculous to some, the amount of emotion a football club can extract out of me, but that's how i've always felt about this. so thank you man u.

manchester united - champions of europe 2007/2008!

you have no idea how much i need this.

20legend

2008-05-22T02:22:00.001+08:00

c'mon you reds...give me the best night of my life again!

i miss solskjaer.

ted mosby

2008-05-21T12:14:00.002+08:00

the latest episode (season 3 finale) of how i met your mother, sums up exactly what i've been going through and what i've been trying to say, except for the cliffhanger ending and the moments directly preceding that.

the good guy. noone seems to get that. maybe i'll have a life-changing car accident too and then things will be clearer.

happy

2008-05-20T04:11:00.001+08:00

the product of my melancholic disposition.

jenny lewis = me happy for 4mins29seconds.

stick one in it

2008-05-17T04:30:00.003+08:00

check out the meaning of integrity in the dictionary before you dare question mine.

i know you don't abide to the idea of being honest because of your self-absorbed megalomaniac-al view of yourself. you have a lot of growing up to do but from what i've seen and from what i know about your past, i think you're on a lonely path to eternal delusion.

you think i'm playing a game? i owe it to the people above and below me to protect them as much as i can especially against scum like you. go ahead, challenge my word, say what you want about who i am, at the end of the day i know i did the right thing. it was never about how much of an ass i thought you were. irritating you may have been but when you compromise the safety of everyone around you, the same people who've tolerated all your nonsense, the same people who took your feelings into account when you complained to whoever who listened about "not fitting in", that's too much.

good riddance to the little pest with the big ego and imaginary achievements. now everybody can work in peace.

out of sight

2008-05-15T02:48:00.003+08:00

so many things to update. my blogs before have never been the chronological, journal-like types but i think a change is due cos we're all getting old and it'll be nice to put a date to certain memories.

the video that Kantakaca submitted for the 48hour film competition won best direction. they had the "best of" screening at sinema old school, mount sophia on tuesday, which i unfortunately could not attend cos i was working at TP. very gratifying given the amount of work in the short period of time so kudos to director "cip" rafaat haji hamzah and the whole Kantakaca team, it was an interesting weekend working with you people and i ultimately enjoyed myself.

going back a couple of days, the cousin i'm closest too, aman, left on sunday night for a year-long stint in brunei. NS, nuff said. my family paid him a visit on sat nite and as i contemplated not having a close lepak buddy around for a year i got pretty sad. "lepaking" has taken some sort of a back seat recently, except for the times at thomson plaza, and i haven't seen a few teh tarik bros for awhile, namely johnny and shawal (this one since before i got my pink IC) plus big's gonna be leaving for KL so there'll be a hiatus of conversations over soup kambing and cigarettes. now that aman's not around i have one less chill out partner. its hits home harder cos he is my cousin and also the link to my extended family which i admit i haven't really been putting in effort to connect with. he's leaving behind his parents, his kental sister, ina and his girlfriend so its gonna be hard for him but at least his bank account's gonna be happy.

r&j rehearsals are gonna be kicking into full gear very soon. i'm playing marzuki, the bawean mercutio. mixed feelings about the whole thing but its finally time to get back to working the way i've always worked. watch out for it at esplanade's theatre studio in july.

sidetracking a wee bit (but not too much), i guess i've gotta keep my composure at a higher level than the norm for now. i don't know if its an positive trait or a weakness that i can never hide my dislike for people, not that i try too (maybe that sentence explains itself a little at the end). its plagued me in school, in NS, at work and when i do shows. a bit funny how i can be nice and courteous to customers even when i feel like crap but i can't pretend to be nice with the people i personally know who i'm not very fond of even when i need their assistance sometimes. oh well, c'est qui je suis

and finally, been working closing at TP the past 3 days. two of those with the resident ah beng, Joseph, who's currently going through his shift manager training. the same ah beng who always has something to say in his defense when he makes a boo boo, who always looks out for things to make fun of in other people, is now the super kancheong training shift manager at TP. congratulations are due but revenge is also up in the air..hahaha.

and that is all for today. time to sleep my cares away because i've got no work tmr and no (confirmed) direction in life at this moment in time.

headache

2008-05-09T23:02:00.002+08:00

choose a life. choose a job. choose a girl. choose a school. choose lunch.

sometimes life comes down to the most basic of decisions. so minute that the implications are only felt much later and you could never trace its subtle beginnings.
like the time i bumped into my cousin working at starbucks thomson plaza circa 2003. or when i accompanied Im to go to the Hang Tuah auditions that somebody else was so excited about. or when i accompanied anwar to a Titisan Temasek meeting while I was on SIP.

then again, i seem to be able to trace these things back. but i'm weird cos i'm semantics-obssessed.

moral of the story kids - look out for the finer details cos sometimes they'll bring you to the roots of your most treasured memories.

2008-04-30T22:09:00.002+08:00

it has been a satisfying few days. if not for the pain in my back that came suddenly and won't go away, i would say i've been pretty happy with the way things panned out despite the fatigue of early morning openings.

i'm bothered by the things that are going on at my old place. its a difficult time for them and it pains me a little that i'm not there anymore to help out but this whole week i've been chilling there almost everyday so that makes up for that i guess.

this friday is the first cast meeting for r&j. i wonder how different this production will be because i know how different i see things now. oh well, let's just wait and see.

and finally, this was how i spent my last weekend - being part of the team that made this:

2008-04-26T01:32:00.002+08:00

kantakaca

2 to 3 hours of discussion and idea-throwing at most but good enough to inject some life into me.

now i'm excited again about this weekend. 48 hours and counting.

cool shit.

I'm just being honest

2008-04-24T02:28:00.002+08:00

*the earlier got removed so here's another version.
a song from the past done in a way i appreciate a wee bit better, bringing back memories of a more carefree time. ironic too.

2008-04-21T22:47:00.003+08:00

this seems to be my only escape nowadays. writing here i mean. funny how i'm only inspired to write when i'm in my more depressing phases of life. that's been a recurrent theme with my old blog and my multiply site. depression is powerful inspiration.

anyway, today marked the first time i worked at thomson plaza since my transfer. i felt at ease, again, for awhile, seeing the familiar faces in the morning, settling into the routine that defined my many many opening shifts there.

i am still surprised at how that place affects me. its a combination of many small pleasant things that actually fuels my enjoyment in my second stint working with this company.

i once asked ari why he joined again and he simply said that he felt his story here hasn't ended. i relate to that but i feel like mine has just begun and its begun with renewed enthusiasm, all because of thomson plaza.

this actually scares a part of me because there were so many things i wanted to do, some of those dreams seem to have shattered right in front of me, but for the professional side of things they're still in reach. i just don't know if i really want them anymore or how much i'm willing to do for them.

my life has been on pause for too long and that's why i've decided to make certain decisions recently. people around me understand and question them but they do so with purely superficial evidence of the whole situation. a situation i got myself into. a situation i honestly feel i can only blame myself for, believe it or not.

that's the reality of the turmoil that has plagued me for the past few months.

at this point in time i think i'm the only one who understands me. sad but comforting in a twisted way. i doubt anyone even understands the meaning of that last sentence but that just serves to cement my point.

smoke it all away, one stick at a time. i'll deal with this, its just a matter of time.

false dusk of desperation

2008-04-20T23:25:00.003+08:00

he pushed the boulder to the side and tried to get up, unaware of the gaping wound below his chest. the pain that stung each time he moved was not unlike the pain he always felt before his long, self-induced coma.

the first thing he thought of was the last thing he needed. the thirst for it was what got him into this awful predicament. he ventured on, leaving a trail of blood and sweat that would only be worsened with the ingestion of the same supposed elixir that had time and time again seduced his naive soul.

and then he saw it. the oasis that smelled so familiar. if only he realised that it was the scent of pain, the same pain he was feeling now, the poison that stopped the wound from ever healing.

he knelt down beside the deceitful well of love and took a sip.

alas, the last sip of worldly pleasure he would ever taste. as the life finally rolled out of his eyes, the shattering, terrifying truth of the afterlife cynically beckons him to the promised land.

the journey finally ends for him, almost merciful in its poetic tragedy only to turn him into another victim of god's greatest gift.

and again.

2008-04-19T03:49:00.002+08:00

waiting has become part and parcel of my life thus far.

and so i wait again.

what am i waiting for?

divine intervention or a reality bite.

then again, i'm still smarting from the last one.

sayang-sayang

5 lbs

2008-04-15T22:41:00.002+08:00

heavy is the heart and the mind; the expectation that was, weighed me down again and again.

dreams and aspirations leave through the back door, leaving regret and bitterness. leaving you forever wanting more.

blinded by this sense of loss,you ignore the knocking at the front. locking yourself up, in the cloud of desperation you left a long time ago.

the lightness of being was something i thought i found. it was so light in the end that it flew away bringing with it the end of my belief in things that used to be.

cynics. should have believed in them a long time ago.

focusing on the wrong thing, that's my weakness. "focus on the task at hand, whatever that may be." the little voice that's kept me company all these nights been pretty tired but he's got to learn to remind me this constantly. no matter how deep the shit you're in, you've got to get the job done. and get it done i will.

crossroads of my life, there have been many but this is the most crucial.

retarded

2008-04-12T21:43:00.004+08:00

reflection is a daily part of my life, that and observation.

and today i reflected on how tiring this week has been and how i've felt through the stages. i've observed some marked and some subtle differences in how i do things now, compared to when i was in a similar situation a long time ago.

so boys and girls, conclusion time = everyone will grow up someday. it's just a matter of time. not everyone acts like they have though, that explains why we can't stand certain people.

an acquaintance from work commented that i sound like an old soul, that i'd make good husband material. haha

funny cos that's what i've always thought and that's partly why i'm in this situation right now.

i just think i'm jaded and pragmatic.
it's not fun cos doing stupid things makes you understand exactly why you shouldn't be doing said stupid things.

let's get stupid then.

revelation of sorts.

2008-04-12T00:37:00.006+08:00

I've never had friends I'd consider blood brothers or sisters. I find that idea too all-consuming and a little sad because you're supposed to have family. Plus I've been disappointed by stubbornness and a deluded sense of non-gratitude by someone who could have almost been described as said "blood".

That said I've never honestly felt like part of my own family. I've always been the odd one out who did things first and was left to grow up very fast because I supposedly didn't need as much attention as my younger brothers. That's why I can't understand why I'm getting flack for not being as connected with my family as I should be. I'll still fulfill my duties as a son because their duties and I owe my parents a lot. As a brother, I don't know. I don't feel like I am respected as the oldest brother but I probably can't blame them because I've disconnected a long time ago..since I was forced to "grow up" as early as when I was 6. Nobody knows how those things made me feel. Outcast because I spoke better English, because I didn't know basics of our religion because I never understood those religious classes in Malay. When I asked I was met with incredulity and scorn in the form of silent stares of disbelief. Very tough for a 6 year old living away from his immediate family with his grandma and posse of aunties, uncles and more "normal" cousins.

Nobody knows this.

That's how I've felt all my life, the odd-one out.

Until I met her. Then she went away and I tried and I know she did but now its over.

Now I've got to learn how to live without her. She hasn't been physically here for a good part of 2 years but with the finality of my decision, reality is bound to sink in.

Sink or swim? I'm too tired to try keep afloat. Let me get lost in whatever ocean that lies in front of me now. Maybe when I dry myself from the salty water and clear the sand from my hair, the tears will dry up too..and I'll be ok. I hope she will be because she is who she is or was, my salvation.

you're just not here

2008-04-06T22:50:00.004+08:00

and so i did it.

either the most stupid decision i've ever made in my life or the most neccessary one at this moment in time. no amount of reflection can make me feel better about this right now. it just makes me bawl my eyes out at the thought of hurting her and letting it go.

i blame myself. the need to be heroic especially during those early days when she got the job. my bravado was submerged by my own naive arrogance of the ability to live without the one i found again. the one who made me feel needed. the one i shared truly the happiest moments of my life til now.

as the bitterness accumulated i could never be the same one she left behind. though i yearn for her to return to the what i think is her rightful place, right here physically beside me, i know it's not gonna happen til its too late. 4 years is too too late.

yes i've waited this long. the painfully simple fact is its just too long.

i'm sorry but i have to do this for myself even if it means knowing you're hurting.

it hurts but it may be the only way.

nothing lasts forever

2008-04-03T02:08:00.002+08:00

reality in a pop song.

Everyday
With every worthless word we get more far away
The distance between us makes it so hard to stay
But nothing lasts forever, but be honest babe
It hurts but it may be the only way

crash

2008-03-31T03:12:00.004+08:00

So much for optimism personified. Another persona bites the dust.

soggy fries.

2008-03-02T02:13:00.000+08:00

when you get a large pack of freshly fried pieces of sufficiently salted slivers of potato, leave it in a paper of plastic bag straightaway only getting the opportunity to eat it quite some time later...that's what you get.

some can't bring themselves to savour this wonderfully flavoured blend of cold, sometimes oily potato pieces and salt...but i love it when fries get that way. comfort albeit junk food at its best.

sometimes its best to let things steep and get lost in everything else. the enjoyment factor gets much more heightened when you get back to whatever it is you put aside.

of course...its not for everybody.

i always thought i was one for instant gratification. if you know me well enough i guess you could call that a major misjudgment of my own character.

"know the enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles you'll never be defeated"

-Sun Tzu

hello

2008-02-24T22:25:00.002+08:00

When everything seems to be going wrong, life has a funny way of giving you reset checkpoints especially when you least expect it.

Take advantage of that and savour the memories of past disappointments. They only make you smarter. Unless of course you're too self-absorbed. So leave the absorbing to the sponges and embrace this journey we call life.

Hello =)

- fud